Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
