If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
