I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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