I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
