Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
