do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
