my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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