Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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