I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
