i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
