Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
