So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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