if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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