the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
