she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
