Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
