Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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