You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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