I cut my penus on the lid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
