you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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