I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
