I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
