I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
