Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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