In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
