A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
