my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
