Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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