I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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