You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
