My liver just broke up with me...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
