Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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