One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
