They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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