he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
