when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Panties = found
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