I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
