gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Randomize
