If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
tell me about the eggs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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