I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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