Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
