So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize