don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
false alarm, still single
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
