new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
