My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
