weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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