The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Randomize
