I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
