Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
