Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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