he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
