We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
