my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
