I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
