I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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