ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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